Poetik Violence

2012-02-13T10:07:00.001-08:00

2012-02-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

written 6.28.2012

when you were a 9 year old boy
splashing around in the shallow silvery
rivers of puerto rico, between wonder and fear
of the raging life of your abuelo's backyard,
i wish i was with you

eyes wide big and dimples like stars
twinkling at the center of both your cheeks
your sparkling toes dancing through laughing rivers,
running after neon colored frogs with cupped hands, chasing
the cry of the coqui
i wish i was with you

i wish i was with you
to hear your bouncing giggles echo off tree trunks
to play in the sticky web of your wonder

i wish i was with you

Worth it

2012-02-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

On the wings of Icarus

who knows

what will become of this

Will I make it

or will i falter

when these lips touch the sun

will i burn to ash

or turn to gold

2012-02-03T06:24:00.001-08:00

You, My Eros

2012-01-28T10:41:00.003-08:00

I don't need questions. I don't need answers. I don't need your biography. I don't need your list of likes and don't likes. I don't need you to open doors or call me every night and call me baby. Just touch me. Set this bed in flames with me, over and over. Collide in me again and again, the magnitude of you rippling through me. Let the black and the nameless rise like a proud wave. I am dissolved first. Then am I rearranged. I come out new.

2012-01-25T09:47:00.001-08:00

...the wounds he gave me were the wounds that would heal me...

(Sting)

2012-01-23T19:46:00.001-08:00

2012-01-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

A true artist

is ever evolving. Is

dressed in flames,

consumed in heat, yet born a thousand times over

Intertwined, both yearning and the embracing

2012-01-05T21:51:00.001-08:00

The truth is ... I'm not there and I'm not here... I'm in this place named In Between... Dense with waiting... For what, I don't even know... Waiting...

2012-01-02T19:19:00.000-08:00

Goodbye 2011...

Excavated. Everything I know uprooted. December, you were a long dark tunnel that I had to go through. The lessons I learned walking through the tunnel, had to be learned on my own. And I learned them with my head held high. It surprises me how strong I really am. In the darkness I was able to see the truth of myself, the truth of my emotions that I couldn't see in the fast abruptness of my life. I never gave myself a moment to breathe. A moment to feel. A moment to wonder. I didn't let myself be confused. I didn't let myself acknowledge what was really going on beneath the surface. I was too afraid to confront the changes that were taking place in my heart and in my feelings, in my ideals and in my needs. I was outgrowing myself and my surroundings faster than I was ready for. And I tried so hard to hold on to what I always knew and who I always was, but it was like holding on to a doorknob in the midst of a tornado. The tighter I held on, the faster everything came unhinged.

2011- Love, you taught me so much about relationships. You taught me how to stand up for myself and not take any shit from anybody. That I am not invisible and my wants matter and it shouldn't be a struggle. You taught me to go after what I want. To act on what I want. To voice what I want. To not be a passenger no more. To not wait around for someone, but instead give what it is I desire, and give what I expect. To embrace what I have to offer. You taught me to be an active participant, a true partner. To take ownership and stamp a partnership with my own signature. Because who I am and what I bring to the table matters just as much as the other's contributions. You taught me that love has the power to change you, and every person is a whole 'nother world. And once you step into another's world you can never go back to your own the same way you came. That everyone has the power to teach you something if you just let them. I also learned to let go and be vulnerable and depend on another person, a man. You taught me that Love is fun. And the partnerships I most crave are the ones that are both fun and yet have the power to challenge me. Love, you taught me that people change and grow and so do our desires and wants. They grow in relation to our experiences and realizations. of those experiences. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with this. Love, you taught me that I am ever changing and maybe it is due to me having such an open expansive free spirit, but I realize more than ever now that I evolve at a fast pace, against any resistance on my part. And what I wanted at one point, might not always be what I want forever, and I have to accept that. Love, you taught me that honesty in my feelings is necessary in my dealings with others. That I need to strive for emotional transparency with myself and others, at all costs. Even at the risk of losing someone I love. I need to acknowledge and speak my truths. Love, you taught me that I have a large capacity to nurture another. Yet nourishing myself must come first.

Thank you for the love that was given me. Thank you for the lessons. The hurt. The tears cried. The disappointments. Thank you for a brighter future. And an even fresher taste for love. Thank you most of all for showing me these truths that I wil ribbon around my heart. I have loved. And I have been loved. And for this, I will never be empty handed This is my story.

Goodbye 2011.

Jennifer

2012-01-02T06:12:00.001-08:00

My heart is being born again.

2011-12-29T08:57:00.001-08:00

Without you This city is a cold cold place Metallic Silver Salty These Silent sidewalks

.....dreams........

2011-12-29T08:48:00.001-08:00

Dreams, you are coming back to me. Dreams, you gave me pictures of sky blue pools, wide big and surprised. Around the bend I could not before see beyond. Dreams you gave me visions of white. Dreams I wasn't alone.

My last poem to him

2011-12-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

cemented in my psyche

i reach for you in my dreams

i call your name in the darkness,

the darkness that attacks my fears

the darkness, that my eyes cannot adjust to

forever you will haunt the world inside me
forever i haunt myself with
remembrances of your tenderness

how even after i hurt you

you washed me with your tears so pure,

you laced me with caressess so lovingly

you put aside your freshly opened wound

to love me one last time,

to hold me one last time
to put me back together one last time

before you opened your palm

to let this spotted dove fly free

into the endless onyx night

2011-12-21T19:10:00.001-08:00

Starting to dream again

2011-12-21T15:50:00.001-08:00

How did he know

2011-12-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

After two shots of patron, and a gin and tonic in hand,
he looks at me so confidently and says, you know what your problem is...?
So I look at him requesting a response with the tilt of my head and waiting eyes that say, go on, lets here this...
The problem is, he says, is that you don't know who you are and you don't know what you want.
His words are words that echo and settle, and settle, and compound into words that have been my own wordless words.

2011-12-13T18:07:00.001-08:00

Having trouble seeing the big picture
Questions running marathons, burning rubber
Solutions screaming to be known but I can't find them in the dark
Fixable, is now the undoable

Arrested.... Hold myself hostage... Because my hands are safer cuffed behind my back
The aftermath, the debris, everything shattered, its all I see
lonliness, so punctual
And regret, the coldest silver

2011-12-10T13:12:00.001-08:00

After the storm and after the rain through the fog and through the pain, I call your name

2011-11-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

I miss. I long. I thirst

for the warm candleglow
understanding interlocking
spilling golden on the contours
crevices of faces.

how they can twine
separate strands of their words,
the stars of their laughter,
and tears all into one braid.

for the resonating resevoir
of radar red intuition
pinning a million words to
one look or a single word.
how they can read
between and beneath
a well rehearsed script or a polished look

the way we give
words to our wounds
the way they listen to not just the words heard,
but the unsaid
morsels of moments that bring so much strength
layer by layer fueling each other with courage,
to find, to reach for who we really are
to live, to speak from the heart, unafraid

I miss. I long. I'm starved

for the feminine touch.

2011-10-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

2011-10-06T12:11:00.001-07:00

you may walk through the same door twice

but it's never the same door and you are never the same person

the difference

2011-09-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

If I could do it again I would allow myself to be more human.

I would allow others to be more human.

I'd never set a prayer time or place because now I know that prayer what pray isn't: It isn't a set time, it isn't a place, and sometimes it's never even the words you say, but it's your heart connected to God's heart, minute by minute if you really want

I'd have to be true to myself before I am anyone to God or anyone else.

I'd be unique rather than uniform.

I'd listen, I'd try to understand and show rather than preach.

I would let my realness bridge me to others rather than let my christianity divide or incubate me

I'd forgive myself more

I'd be more transparent to others about my strengths, my failings, my questions, the doubts

I'd follow my heart instead of trying to find a recipe for faith, because faith like love is blind

I'd chase God rather than an institution, rather than rules or regulations, rather than outward apperances, I'd strive towards carving out a simple, transparent, childlike faithinstead

I'd love God more than I loved crossing off a checklist

I'd never let the four walls of an institution confine, restrict, or dictate

Church attendance and skirt length would have no denominator in my spirituality

I'd never let an institution or desire for approval define my personality

I'd never punish myself for forgetting to read my bible one night

I would read my bible to simply know God

I'd never try to be a phoney or cliched christian, you know the type that wears "WWJD" bracelets, or the type that yells God's Word at you in subways, or those christians who walk around, holier than thou, "I'm saved, God knows my name. God chose me" or talk Christian jibberish

I'd accept myself as a child of god rather than define myself as a product of an institution,because maybe then I'd undertstand "grace"

I'd pray for others more

More than pray, more than drag people to church with me, I would love others more. Really love them. Not just tell them. But show. Go the extra mile to care.

If I could do it again,I would love more. I would love God and others more.

I would love myself more. And let myself be me.

And love God. And I would love him, MY WAY

the child in you

2011-08-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Did you ever really have a chance to be?
Were you ever allowed to cry without shame..
To play without restrictions..
To explore without boundaries
To hold someone's hand without fear
To think without page by page instructions
To speak without being scolded at
To run freely minus the fear of stepping on
someone's toes
Yea, I'm speaking to the child in you
Did you ever really have a chance to be...

2011-08-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining.

I believe in love even when I am alone.

I believe in God even when he is silent...

?

2011-08-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Swept up and away by these ravishing waves
While the undercurrent pulls this and that way
Limbs twisted, limbs gnarled

Who knows which way to go,
How much of a choice is mine to make
And even if I have any at all....

SAY IT

2011-08-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Now flowing from the heart
without shame, no thinking twice,
trashing the script, goodbye
censorship

undiluted, untainted, unstrained
I'm giving you this messy, this juicy,
this puree, the pulp, the nectar of all I am

excreting secrets

2011-07-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

I want to one day marry my best friend
I find a sick comfort in abandonment, because I feel like that's what I'm used to
I'm drawn to men that are unavailable in one way or another, maybe cuz I am too
What I wear needs to reflect or at least be what I hope to feel
I vow to never be a worrier like my father
I spend beyond my limit, emotionally & financially
I need lines in a notebook to violate
Play then work
I wonder if I'll ever really grow up
Don't remember the last time I talked to God
I struggle planning beyond the moment
I want to one day marry my best friend
Reckless, I belong to the moment
Always surprised when I realize that I have been someone's fantasy
The last time I cried was because i felt like an object for someone
else's pleasure
Feel Stuck
I'm a butterfly
Words are my transportation
Caught in midflight between child & adult
I am full of unopened mysteries
Not as responsible as I seem
Wonder what God would say to me if we were to sit down over drinks
I'm ashamed to show my softer side, I hide it under my carefree spirit
Afraid to cry in front of others, afraid to say what I really feel
If you really want to find me, you'll find me in the center of my poems,
in the center of my dreams
If you can be both equally a giver and a receiver, that would be me cuz both I enjoy
I like sex (there was never a time that I didn't want it or had to fake it),
But making love is better
I can't face my own truths
So good at breaking things, yet lacking the patience to fix anything at all
I want to one day marry my best friend
I turn myself on
I have layered and complex motivations, that aren't even clear to me
I want to marry my equal

2011-06-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

when i say goodbye
it is fast final and forever

2011-05-22T22:39:00.001-07:00

free

EAT YOUR OWN DAMN CRUMBS

2011-05-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

You keep feeding her your crumbs-
the crumbs of your time, the crumbs of your affection,
You salt them with excuses, apologies and you
sautee them with empty lacey words
You do it so well, it must be your secret family recipe, so well she doesn't even realize it's not a full meal
Your apetitite is really all that matters, anyways

watch in wonder
when Hunger rises up from off the floor
to vomit back in your face
all your little crumbs

NEXT TIME
EAT YOUR OWN damn CRUMBS

MEET THE WALKING EXCUSE MACHINE

2011-05-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

image from artimitateslife (from photobucket)

Who spits excuses better than him,
double-talks better than him.
Who is always right and never wrong,
is there anybody who shifts blame better than him.
Let's sit and watch
as the layers of your excuses and overdressed apologies, peel away
like cheap paint

Friendship 12.20.09

2011-05-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

Put up

thorns, bolts,

barbed wired fences

and posts that read "No trespassers allowed"

vexed rottweilers ready at the other side of the fence,

for any sign of break in-

this along with every other kind of security system
kept in place

to keep out all intruders

No trespassers allowed,

No trespassers allowed in

Yes, you saw all of this

but you didn't care,

you didn't flinch

I thought my well defended fortress,
my icy exterior would frighten you away

but your love stood immune

You broke into this well guarded fortress,
not with force, but with every inch of love showed
You withstood my attack, you withstood my silence,
my ice

You broke in

by just being there

My defenses-

disarmed, dismantled, disabled

You broke into this well guarded fortress

You didn't care

You didn't flinch

You caught me
Your love, a proud flag,
standing immune

2011-05-15T11:49:00.001-07:00

Is it raining with you

...The hardest battle...

2011-05-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

(image by lisephotography)

Feelings,
I put you in the backseat and
never let you matter
I let people step all over you
without saying a word
I scold and tell you-
you're stupid,
you're wrong,
you don't matter
don't feel that way
it's all just imagination
I punish you, lock you in your room
Because nobody wants to hear what
you have to say

To shut you up,
I fatten you with food, I appease you with pleasure, surround you with faces and noise-
I keep you distracted and entertained- emotional anesthesia- because
no one understands,
nobody cares to hear what you have to say-
so you bury your voice and I never have to hear you
But still, sometimes you'll tug, sometimes you'll cry red, like a blaring angry siren,
but I just turn my ear

Feelings,
I tell you that anybody else is more important,you are wrong and never right,
and I let you fade into the background
and never let you matter
and never do you have a face
and never a voice

"You'll never have a face of your own until you've learned to fight."

LOVE IS FORGETTING

2011-05-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

Swept away

All the words I wrote about you in the sand.

Swept away, erased by the long arms of a wave, a wave named Love.

And I tried to remember what it is I wrote, so

I dug up the sand to find them but all I could feel for was the sharp edges of shattered seashells, and that something red inside my chest, swelling, awakening, in bloom

The only thing keeping me alive, was drowning in your wave,

the wave named Love

2011-05-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

finally seeing my reflection as it is

never have i disliked myself so much

never have i been so unhappy with who i am as now

everything culminating

you're never there for me

2011-05-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

Over and over
I dare you to care
but you're just never there

A trail of overlooked crumbs, left for you to
trace my path, remain untouched.
A hallway of doors, yet the floors of the
rooms never learn the staccato of your
footsteps...so what am I to do

You feel frozen out from my world,
bolted from my diamond labyrinth
but over and over
I dare you to care
why don't you try being "there"

The Lessons That Really Matter

2011-04-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

School, I know it's been a while, but can you refresh my memory...

There's some things I'm trying to grasp, turning profusely the pages in the fog of my head

but there's some things.. I just don't remember learning-

English Lit, did you ever teach us the right words to use to extinguish a burning bridge never meant to be set on fire

I don't remember learning in home ec, how to thread back the fabric to a tattered heart

I don't remember learning in Biology how to listen to your heart or your head, and how to tell the voices each apart
In Phys. Ed, were we ever taught self-defense against the strength of our own shadow?

or what about the right time to run and then the time to face what's in front of you?

Woodworking, did we ever learn how to rebuild faith after its collapsed into a tiny million pieces?

In Public Speaking, we perfected speaking to the masses, but what's the conversation like now with the person in the mirror? Or when you're on your knees?

School, I'm getting desperate now, I know it's been a while but can you refresh my memory
There's some things I don't remember learning-
like how to fix unfixable

the way to nowhere

2011-04-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

i'm getting used to leaving your side
feeling like i'll never be understood
like i speak a language you've never heard and can none
the less converse in-no matter how hard i try, no matter how
many different ways and times I try to say,
you will never get me, cuz the problem is you never try
Being "right" and collecting apologies don't and won't
appease me, my one and only desire is just to be understood
to have my sensitivty and emotions respected, and why not even
appreciated, but your so caught up in your famous exilir of blame,
double talk, and your so called "constructive criticism", that with
every world you build a wall miles high, and you wonder where I went
and why I'm not by your side- cuz now I'm on the other side
but deaf ears can't hear the thunders of this heart
nowhere is a lonely place
and that is the only place we are getting

i need you to listen

HAPPY SPRING :)

2011-04-21T12:05:00.001-07:00

2011-04-21T11:54:00.001-07:00

I love you

2011-04-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

I inhale you
storing all of you in a glass vial
the scent of your clothes, your sheets,
79 inches of espresso terrain,
the taste of your skin, your little climbing hairs
coarse under my touch, my name blooming from
off your lips, your watching gaze interpreting
every single one of my expressions, the brightest black eyes I've ever seen
I take you with me, wherever I go

The Time is Now

2011-04-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin

Did you ever think anger could be something good? Maybe a wakeup call. Maybe a power to propel towards a change, necessary, drastic.

I know there's something brewing inside of me. Anger about where I'm at in life. Anger in almost every aspect of my life. And in relationships especially. It's not so much a singular anger toward any particular somebody but more like an awakening need for change. I don't want to stay where I am. It's as if I'm outgrowing my life as it is. I've outgrown my life like old clothes. There's so much more of myself to unfold. So much more of me to "be". It's time for me to reach for the things I really desire. Time for me to do the things I've feared for so long. To lay claim to my life, my voice, my mark. I think it's just what I've needed to give me the last and final push to break out of this cocoon I've been stuck in for too long.

2011-04-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

“My whole life I learned to sweep things under the rug: What you feel inside is not what you say on the outside...Now, I’m brutally honest to a fault.”
(Olivia Munn)

LOST

2011-04-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

my heart is slipping through my fingers
like grains of sand
how can i contain the warmth i feel for you

the hypocrite creed

2011-04-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

You make the perfect little pharisee
sittin up on that platform in your shiny little suit
with your legs so cooly crossed

Yes, don't you make the perfect little pharisee
so polished you appear as you lead the hymnals,
singing all the right words within all the right measures

Look at you, perfect little pharisee
so quick to slap a quick fix hand on the forehad of
anyone who comes to the altar, calling that "prayer"

Yea, the pharisee you are
so quick and precise to point your handy dandy little finger,
You forget you have an arm to reach down to help someone up;
Yet you justify this as "tough love"; so quick to throw the first stone
but what about the "holier than thou" facade you've convinced yourself of

yet would you care to share, what really lays beneath
your little "holy" veneer?
or maybe what the walls in your house really have to
say about you

And
P.S. i despise your breed of hypocrisy

I long to touch you

2011-04-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

have i loved you only in theory? I filled my head with stories of you, fables of other's experiences, and sayings and quotes
despite moments of deep sincerity and sacrifice, and being down on my knees, loving you was like chasing the wind
and yea I may have skimmed the surface of your kindness, your love said to be limitless
but when it came down to it, chasing the wind is a lonely thing to do
lonely especially when you don't hear any reply back,
lonely when you acutally realize it's easier to look & act the part than actually reach him who feels unreachable,
lonely when you long for touch, for words, for answers, and get only the wind
lonely when you're climbing a staircase that wraps in circles yet leads to only a question mark
I tried so hard to reach you
I tried so hard to love you
I tried
believe me, I tried

Your Ear Against My Heart

2011-04-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

I don't ask for alot

just for you to love my crazy ways,

my erratic flight

and to let me love you large & loud

I ask that you would
protect and bless my sensitivity

instead of curse it,

because if you did,
it would be a silver kiss of cool on your lips
on a smoldering August day

I ask that because you love me

you would listen quicker than you

raise your fists

put your ear against my heart

if you only even tried

2011-03-15T22:25:00.000-07:00

ANGRY
at myself
ANGRY
at my location
my station
ANGRY
at my decisions
and lackthereof
ANGRY
at my condition
my lack of mission

2011-03-15T22:20:00.000-07:00

where were you

i dared you to to care

but

you weren't there

where where you

2011-03-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

Hexed & sworn
off like a bad spell
immunized & armed
against all that charm

2011-03-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

Baby

give me passion

give me relentless

lest i die

SEX & SANDWICHES

2011-02-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

Mama always said to think with your head and not your heart. Mama says I came from a poor country to America not for you to marry a poor man. Mama always said, it’s better just to have “friends” and not boyfriends. Why tie yourself down to one man? Mama always said that the man should love you more than you love them. Mama always said the best time of her life was when she was single. Sex and sandwiches, Mama says, is all they want. And Mama always seals her little speeches with the (verbal) kiss, yea your Mama knows best.

But Mama, I’m afraid to tell you you’re mistaken. I pride myself in being someone who follows my heart. I dare follow this heart in places you’ve never allowed yours to go. I am me, because I will take the risks in love you were too cautious to take. Of all people, I will be sure to touch the heights of true love because I risk getting close enough to the flames, close enough to endure the scorching. And mama “friends” was good enough for you but not for me. The difference between us is that you are content with casualness while I am programmed for a complete intertwining with another. I would rather DIE than be with someone who doesn't know the texture of my soul or how to wrap his love around this. Whoever told you there was something wrong and shameful about being in love, about wanting to have something singular and passionate with a man, lied to you. There is something beautiful about calling someone your own. There is something beautiful about knowing you belong to somebody.

So please keep your pre-cautiouns to yourself. And as for sex and sandwiches, what’s so wrong with that- maybe that's all that I want too?

Melt Me ... again

2011-02-15T15:47:00.000-08:00

What once was a puddle, now is a
glacier- unmoveable, unbreakable
but Sun, I promise you, that if you had any fight
left, if there was any trace of a "want -to" in you-
if you, Sun, pushed back those clouds with whatever
strength you had left,
if this glacier caught just a glimpse of your warmth one more time,
I promise you,
it'd melt
into the puddle it once was-
a puddle for you

My Pleasure

2011-02-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

Let my "complaints" be the thorn that pricks your well watered "ego -in-a pot"
Let me be the cracks in the mirror that shatter your once crystal clear reflection
Let me be the itch that gnaws madly under your skin, unscratchable, unreachable
And this face, let it remind you of the happily ever after you will never have

The Last Place...

2011-02-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

FINDING YOURSELF IN THE PAGES OF MY POETRY
IS RARELY EVER A GOOD THING

SPOILED ROTTEN

2011-02-13T10:36:00.001-08:00

Expired love

you've overstayed your welcome

UNDOING YOUR WORDS

2011-01-27T14:49:00.000-08:00

You see the thing is

the only thing you know how to do

is drive your words like a nail into my skin

yes, you drill til it grinds bone and grates teeth

Is this the only thing you know how to do?

With ease, your words slice down trees,

slam doors, shooting down the smile of a child,

with an archer's perfect accuracy

Your mouth is full of ammunition

who would think such a pretty face

has so much war in her mouth?

I used to hide behind an icy muted

shield of numbness, but I'm no longer

needing this old armor you've helped

me build against you. Maybe we can draw

a truce, maybe you can put down your weapons.

If I had a wish tonight, instead of you telling me

"I know best..." only to continue

with you telling me what it is I need to do, who you

think I should be, and why I should be a mini-version

of you, I know it's 27 years overdue, but my wish would

be that you'd finally start to ask me...

"why..." "how come..."

"what do you think..."

"who are you..."

I wish you would undeafen your ears

to hear who I really am, wish you would start

seeing me not through yourself but as I am, realize

finally that I am my own person, would that hurt so much?

I wish you'd run dry of your clever, hurtful ways of crafting

words into weapons, because your words are just like

your hands- thick and abrasive. Because they are just like

your touch- heavy and hard, without grace- and like hands

they have done their damage. And your daughter is left standing,

in the debris that your words have conceived.

Do you really know best? now?

After all these years I am left with the task of undoing your words.

After all these years I am left with the task of replacing those words.

If I had a wish. If I had one wish.

2011-01-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

"You really should be more understanding"

< if my understanding spread any thinner, i'd be a frieken doormat >

LOVE & NO APOLOGIES

2011-01-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

What I give you, is all I know of love
What I give you, is what I dream love to be
What I give you, is what I am truly looking for in
return and sometimes (that lack),
that is all we know of love.

So I give you what I know, and what it is I have
I only know to love intensely
I only know to love passionately
I only know to bridge a connection that's deep
and always flowing
I only know to give the one I love a constancy,
a strong ground from which to gain some sort
of balance, some sort of footing in this crazy world

And all I look for in return is
to be loved intensely
to be loved with passion
to share a deep connection
and the feeling I crave so much- stability.

But what do you do when what you give feels more
like a cage to the person you love?
When they don't really want what you have to give,

what do you do?
what do you do?

when this is the only love I know to give?

Because all the life in my loving has been sucked away
My love knows no apologies

This Love Has Feet

2011-01-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

You run
like my love is the plague,

like my embrace is a cage

You hide
as if my gaze is a grave,

my words of love-
little assassinations

Can you handle a

passionate woman...

A woman who knows
what she wants,

And takes it

Now,

Sit and watch my love run from you

"WITHOUT APOLOGY"

2011-01-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

My Emancipation Proclomation

free me from identities past,
identities shed

free me from previous capacities
in which i used to operate

free me from definitions that
caged and held hostage

because i'm not the girl

you think i am

i'm not the girl

i have been

because i'm not always

gonna be the girl you see today

No longer the little girl

who needs to ask

permission to

have my own opinions,

to have my own say,

i'm not the little girl

who needs to raise my hand

each time I

change my mind or fall in love,

i'm not the little girl

who needs to walk on eggshells
around you, afraid to step on your
toes of disapproval,
nodding and "yes-ing" you away

Can't continue being afraid of
making mistakes, can't always be afraid
of spilling milk

i'm a rubberband

always expanding my limits

i'm a cocoon

meant to be destroyed so what's

inside can be freed

so this is me

without apologies

i'm still growing

still ever meta-morphising

so let me be-

free me

from this mental slavery

i gotta live with no apologies

so don't arrest me with your
interrogations

don't grind my wings to powder

don't shackle me to your preconceived
notions of what you've always thought
me to be

because what you've thought i am

is just an empty shell

no longer inhabited

you won't find me there-

the only thing you'll find there
is your brittle fear

don't fear what i might become

don't fear what you don't recognize

don't fear what doesn't reflect you

fear what i might never become

if i endure any longer

the mental slavery

so tonight

without apology

i'm free-ing me

Our Snowglobe Wonderland

2011-01-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

like a snowfall....

sudden... simply...
softly...silently...a
...silver solilquoy
magically starting off-
one flake by one flake

you close your eyes
only to see, the next time
you open them
a magicland of white

our world,
our love,
painted white

How does love grow?

2011-01-02T19:02:00.001-08:00

delicately, slowly
secretly, in a hum
in a whisper, tenderly
deliberately,
with care, with time

2011-01-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Is this what LOVE is?

learning to live side by side- PARALLEL- yet in the same space- rearranging furniture to accomodate one another's movements- each other-making room - making adjustments- because now it's not just all about you- until it feelsl ike it's always been this way- like it's never not been this way-

the purpose-to feel like home

The Only Remedy

2011-01-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Though
I don't understand
Though
I can't fix the situation
Though
the only thing I may be
capable of
loving you through
Though
that doesn't seem like enough
that might be the only thing

So,
I put my hands in the air
letting go of the fear and
the powerlessness.......
to love you
through

GIVE ME MY WINGS BACK

2010-12-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

BURIED DEEP, FEELINGS I DON'T FACE
BURIED DEEP, INCISIONS I CAN'T SHOW
BETWEEN FRESH WOUND AND CALLOUS

WITH JUST A FLICKER, ALL MY FEARS IGNITE
TO SEAR THE NIGHT SKY, LIKE LIGHTNING

DESPITE LITTLE DEATHS, LITTLE ABANDONMENTS
SO BADLY I WANT YOU TO BE THAT ONE,
THE ONE TO GIVE THESE FEET SOME GROUNDING

BUT UNDER ME, THE EARTH IS ALWAYS TREMBLING,
EVER QUAKING, NEVER STILL
ALWAYS TRYING TO REGAIN EQUILIBRIUM

THE PLATES OF THE EARTH
UNDER MY FEET
EVER SHAKING, EVER MAKING CONVERSATION,
AN UNDERGROUND RUMBLING RAILROAD OF OVER-RATED EXCUSES

HOW DO YOU HIDE,HOW DO YOU RUN
WHEN IT'S WHAT'S UNDER YOUR FEET THAT YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM?

AND ME,LEFT WITH
NOTHING TO HOLD ONTO
EXCEPT THE EXPECTATION THAT
IT'S JUST ALL GOING TO
COLLAPSE

GIVE ME MY WINGS BACK

2010-12-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

MY VINDICATION

MY REVENGE

MY SHIELD

MY VALIDATION

MY LIES

MYSELF

The Little Things That KILL

2010-12-19T13:21:00.001-08:00

You left me in the dark

what a little death

a plague of black

2010-12-17T14:51:00.000-08:00

At the time, my life just seemed too complete, and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves...Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer. ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 6

2010-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Who am I,

but a girl

afraid

of the sound

of her

own

voice

2010-11-27T21:45:00.001-08:00

2010-11-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

Dream Harvester

You stoked the fires of my dreams
and hit with perfect accurary
the epicenter of my most tenderest point

You are the dream harvester
are you ready for me
I might be the most fallow
soil you've ever tended

You breathe on me
and bring precipitation
from the skies of my soul
to fall like kisses
on famined dreams

I'm rocky trembling earth
but I fear what I want most
You've given these dreams the oxygen to believe
Now I just have to get them walking, not only talking

because you remain true to your name,
forever you are
my dream harvester

9.20.10

2010-11-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

D A R E 2 L O V E

LOVE-

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO RUN FOR COVER

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A TRAITOR

2010-11-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

in tune

in sync

in gaze

in kiss

in laughter

in rapture

comple

tely cap

tured

you

***

2010-11-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

Soul Clutter

(written in Sept.2010)

a stranger in my own skin-restless, wandering-unbelonging-an alien- even in my home-a fugitive in my own story-a roaming soul-haunting places-faces left behind

what's behind me, you ask-innocence-traces of a conscience-the terrain of true emotion-the ability to cry-to be transparent- the capacity of faith

2010-11-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

a poem written in 2008

Untitled- - - -

We can't not be connected

what we are is veined

each other courses through

none of us is alone

none of us separate

we are connected by filaments

the terror the venom plaguing your mind

surges throughout, and courses

through the veins of our lives, pulsing

straight through our hearts

You ache,

but not alone as your perceive

We ache

with you-

You,

our brother, our father, our son

We are holding onto you

hold on to us

Our understanding is like broken

seashells scattered along the thigh of the shore

Our hands small

Yet you are in our veins

we cannot forget you

we cannot forget ourselves

Some of my Photoscape creations!

2010-11-26T00:07:00.000-08:00

2010-11-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

L O V E:
because the return is
much bigger than the cost
(even if it hurts)
you do it

2010-11-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

Teach Me to Cry (again)

My one wish is that I would just cry
and just let the tears fall
my one wish is that i'd remember how
and collapse in the tears that i let fall

because i forgot how to let go
how to cry
i forgot the taste of my own tears
but the truth is i never liked to cry
and always held them tears back until i couldn't hold them no more
like
the time I was 6 and I ran so hard in a game of tag
with my brother
that I fell so hard I bruised my knee and it bled so hard
but i didn't wanna tell nobody so i hid my knee, ashamed
or
that other time i was playing basketball with my guy cousins
one of them socked it to me so hard in the gut, i thought my stomach
was going to jump right out of my mouth,
wanted to cry but I held them back, so they wouldn't laugh

or maybe I'm just like my daddy
my daddy, who i've never seen cry
no, not once
daddy, am i just like you?

Someone, somehow
please, teach me to cry
there's a pain in the center of my chest
how do i make the tears come
I used to be afraid if i let them fall, they'd just keep comin'
but now i don't care
i'm trying to remember how to cry

2010-10-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

HOMECOMING

I'm nearing the end of this journey, it's coming to a close, it's nearing its last breath. My heart's headed home. My heart which was once a broken compass is now homeward bound. The season's shifting. No calendar, no watch told me this. Just like the trees know to die and leaves to change color, just like the geese know when to fly south, my heart just knows. I know to go home. With my eyes closed, without a map. Even in the dark my feet will know the path. HOME.

2010-10-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

Such a thin skin
riddled with bullet holes
How can I withstand
the constant drizzle of your gunshots

2010-10-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Underneath a sonata

of moonlight,

two shadows

shyly

pull the curtains back,

an unveiling of

the tenderest of wounds-

wounds,

that merge in a kiss,

a waterfall of kisses,

kisses that commune,

until wounds become scars

2010-10-14T16:03:00.001-07:00

"And it was at that age …
poetry arrived in search of me.
I don’t know, I don’t know where
it came from, from winter or a river.
I don’t know how or when,
no they were not voices, they were not
words, nor silence,
but from a street I was summoned,
from the branches of night,
abruptly from the others,
among violent fires
or returning alone.
There I was without a face,
and it touched me.

I did not know what to say, my mouth
had no way with names, my eyes were blind,
and something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
deciphering that fire,
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
nonsense, pure wisdom
of someone who knows nothing,
and suddenly I saw
the heavens unfastened and open, planets,
palpitating plantations, shadow perforated,
riddled with arrows, fire and flowers,
the winding night, the universe.

And I, infinitesimal being,
drunk with the great starry void,
likeness, image of mystery,
felt myself a pure part of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind."
— Pablo Neruda

2010-10-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

Under Re-Construction

Just a warning-

I'm ever metamorphis-ing

What you see now

isn't always what I'll ever be

2010-10-06T20:48:00.000-07:00

De-Numbing

2010-09-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

...Thoughts of you...

..Shatter glass..

2010-09-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

2010-09-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

Heart blooms
under the shade of your mouth

Hair sings
at your caress so tender

Skin billows
when my name from your lips flutter

Bones drown
when laced in the waves of your arms

2010-09-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

Nostalgic Feet

Old voices

are old roads

that bring you back

to remind you

of a place called home

Old voices

are old roads

that swivel and turn

like the lines in our hands,

mirrors of our destiny

Old voice,

you know the road I've travelled ,

the road I'm on, the path I'm taking-

Though you don't agree,

though it might not have been the one you

would have chosen for me

What do you do when you

miss that sound,

the sound of an old voice,

whose sound in your ear

brings you back

to remind you

of a place called home

2010-09-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

falling

fast

funnel

black

frantic

grasp

for

any

thing

repel

rapid

approach

ing

inevit

able

The Broken Mirror

2010-09-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

"The most difficult phase of life

is not when no one understands you,

it is when you don't understand yourself."

2010-09-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

Heart: Go away

Boy: Why?

Heart: I don't have time to play

2010-09-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

To break this silver shell

rain your hands on me.

Leave on this wall of skin

a bolt of morning,

paint the colors of your passion.

With a caress that blooms,

tame these wild skies.

The Ugly Truth

2010-09-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

Your love

is like the growing heap of

crowded, unopened mail,

sitting heavy on this desk's unseen surface

...I just can't get myself to open you...

2010-09-03T11:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i fear that the things about you that most make me cringe, will be the things that haunt me, after you are gone.

Your footsteps, all eager and twinkling with each step.

EN MIS OJOS

2010-08-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

ASTORIA

2010-08-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

Filling in the Blanks

2010-08-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

if u never ____________

i wouldn't ____________

if all your fancy _____________ turned out to be thin vanishing ________

then i'd keep walking my walk,

like _________happened

like your _______ I never _________

never___________back

and face the fact that

you were never made to fill in the _____________

but to become a _______________