Saturday, August 3, 2013


Am I venom
what do I have to do to be heard to be loved
must I throw myself in front of a ramming train for you to notice
so many times I felt like this would be the answer
who am I even speaking to
Am I venom
I drink it like water
drowning in venom

I'm just this ungrateful child who can't make anyone proud
I'm just this flake that can't get her grip on life
my family looks at me and thinks I'll never get it together
I see it in their eyes
Almost 30 and nothing like her cousin
I call my Grandma on the phone and all she does is call me by my cousin's name and says over and over how wonderful she is. (And wonderful she really is).
my boyfriend tells me I'm so scattered and all over the place, can't even sit still to watch a movie
my boss tells me if I'm late one more time to work I'll be fired
my uncle tells me he's tired of my "LIES"
the only person who believes in me, I hide from because I feel I could never make her proud, so many wasted opportunities.
and my father's out of touch, I'm holding onto hope, but sometimes I believe myself to be crazier than him

A beautiful tragedy.

I've been seared and scorched
my sorrow is a lantern I carry in the night

In front of this coming train I stand
Me & My Painful existence
Painful yet somehow still gloriously beautiful
I realize just like my father, I was not made for this world
Daddy, did you know, someone asked me the other day where I get my sweetness from... and I told someone them that all I know is that I have my mother's smile, her personality but my father's heart
Yea cause I carry your sorrow, you passed it down to me like an Olympic torch gets passed down
I walk around shattered and trembling
We weren't made for this world
I want to save you, I'm sorry I can't, I can't even save myself
what good am I what good am I if I cannot alleviate your torment
what good am if my existence just adds to it

I've lost my compass, my coordinates, any map I ever had
I lost the bells of my laughter

I stare the coming train in the eyes
it's foreshadowing wind tries to push me out of the way

I'm trying to make a home out of a house
but every time I put my roots down it's time to leave

Let me create, give me a canvas, I was made for beauty, for life, to be a bridge, to connect, to live simply yet beautifully. I want to laugh and love. and nurture. and learn. and share. I live for bliss. I was made for bliss, for divine union, I was made for the journey. For discovery. For love.
What happens when the language of the world is not your language.
I live in a city full of achievers. I live in a city materialistic. This city is not me. This life is not me.

Where is the door.
I'm looking for the exit sign.
Oh yea, it's coming. The horn blares
then static
then blackness