One summer day last July I said something to him.
There's something I need to find. An answer. A missing piece. A key. Something that wants me to find it. Something that once I find will revolutionize my life. We sat side by side, Heinkens in hand. Looking out onto the sunlight massaging the ocean's smooth cheeks. Everything you have is already within you. His words were little silken wings that fluttered over me. All I felt was that whatever I was looking for was nearer than near. The confidence that it was discoverable burned within me. But how and in what carnation would I find this truth, was beyond me. A subtle mystery.
But still I knew.
So I spent a year searching for this missing truth in horoscopes in psychics, in a haze of smoke, in tantric union, in love, in closeness, ecstacy.
But only when I found myself decimated-ground to powder, ground to ashes did I find the truth. If I ever really had myself, I had given it away in anything and everything that I have devoted myself to. From the ages of nineteen to twenty six I lost myself in my devotion to church, seeking who I thought was "God". Obsessed with the idea of being a good girl, doing the right thing, as if it would atone for my acting up during my teenage years. Yet I repressed so much of myself in the process. I locked who I really was up. From twenty six to twenty nine I lost myself in the full blown discovery and expression of my sexuality and any person or relationship I attached myself to.So easily I vanished, letting myself become either an extension or a relfection of another. If ever I had myself, I gave her away petal by petal to every new discovery, fascination, every new devotion. My identity intertwined with my current fixation. Fully, passionately.
The missing key really was closer than I thought all this time.
The missing key was - Me. Was to realize Myself. love Myself.
Discovering the truth has been the brightest light. Unlocking many doors to so many treasures. Something so simple. Something always before me. Something always knocking, always singing herself to me.
It was the me that I forgot. The me that I was afraid to know. Afraid to listen to. The Me I forgot.
Almost a year later, I look back to that day on the beach. And realize the answer was searching for me all along. Waiting for me to love her, value her. Waiting for me to stop running and hiding. And love her. And inhabit myself. Inhabit my life.
hello Me. hello My Life.
5.21.2013
JTG
