...The hardest battle...

(image by lisephotography)

Feelings,
I put you in the backseat and
never let you matter
I let people step all over you
without saying a word
I scold and tell you-
you're stupid,
you're wrong,
you don't matter
don't feel that way
it's all just imagination
I punish you, lock you in your room
Because nobody wants to hear what
you have to say

To shut you up,
I fatten you with food, I appease you with pleasure, surround you with faces and noise-
I keep you distracted and entertained- emotional anesthesia- because
no one understands,
nobody cares to hear what you have to say-
so you bury your voice and I never have to hear you
But still, sometimes you'll tug, sometimes you'll cry red, like a blaring angry siren,
but I just turn my ear

Feelings,
I tell you that anybody else is more important,you are wrong and never right,
and I let you fade into the background
and never let you matter
and never do you have a face
and never a voice

"You'll never have a face of your own until you've learned to fight."

The Time is Now

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”  Anais Nin

Did you ever think anger could be something good? Maybe a wakeup call. Maybe a power to propel towards a change, necessary, drastic.

I know there's something brewing inside of me.  Anger about where I'm at in life.  Anger in almost every aspect of my life.  And in relationships especially.  It's not so much a singular anger toward any particular somebody but more like an awakening need for change. I don't want to stay where I am.  It's as if I'm outgrowing my life as it is.  I've outgrown my life like old clothes.  There's so much more of myself to unfold.  So much more of me to "be".  It's time for me to reach for the things I really desire.  Time for me to do the things I've feared for so long.  To lay claim to my  life, my voice, my mark.  I think it's just what I've needed to give me the last and final push to break out of this cocoon I've been stuck in for too long.

"WITHOUT APOLOGY"

My Emancipation Proclomation

free me from identities past,
identities shed

free me from previous capacities
in which i used to operate

free me from definitions that
caged and held hostage

because i'm not the girl

you think i am

i'm not the girl

i have been

because i'm not always

gonna be the girl you see today

No longer the little girl

who needs to ask

permission to

have my own opinions,

to have my own say,

i'm not the little girl

who needs to raise my hand

each time I

change my mind or fall in love,

i'm not the little girl

who needs to walk on eggshells
around you, afraid to step on your
 toes of disapproval,
nodding and "yes-ing" you away

Can't continue being afraid of
making mistakes, can't always be afraid
of spilling milk

i'm a rubberband

always expanding my limits

i'm a cocoon

meant to be destroyed so what's

inside can be freed

so this is me

without apologies

i'm still growing

still ever meta-morphising

so let me be-

free me

from this mental slavery

i gotta live with no apologies

so don't arrest me with your
interrogations

don't grind my wings to powder

don't shackle me to your preconceived
notions of what you've always thought
me to be

because what you've thought i am

is just an empty shell

no longer inhabited

you won't find me there-

 the only thing you'll find there
is your brittle fear

don't fear what i might become

don't fear what you don't recognize

don't fear what doesn't reflect you

fear what i might never become

if i endure any longer

the mental slavery

so tonight

without apology

i'm free-ing me